Have you recently been through a divorce? Are you feeling the impact of the divorce in ways that you didn't plan for? After my divorce, my kids and I went through several months where they were angry and I felt like a complete failure. It was almost a year before I decided to begin seeing a family therapist to help us get through such a difficult transitional time for the entire family. She was so understanding, compassionate and helpful. She helped us talk through our feelings and provided us with the tools that we needed to get through the most difficult time in our lives.
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As you grow older, you may be increasingly aware that your insecurity and indecisiveness need to be addressed. It won't be easy, but you can become more independent, open to opportunities, and happier. You can acquire confidence and feel secure.
Understanding your Influences
It is estimated that 2.5% of the population have dependent personality disorder (DPD), but take heart. Just because you have some traits of dependency doesn't mean you have a full blown personality disorder. Most personality traits run on a continuum from non-existent to severe.
To be diagnosed with a disorder, your behavior would be considered " inflexible, maladaptive, and cause significant functional impairment." In that case, it's likely that you would be resistant and in denial about having the problem, but the people who are significant in your life would be affected by your behavior. It is still a good idea to take a look at DPD to find out about influences, particulars, and treatment.
A person with DPD may display:
This tendency can be genetic, or it can have environmental origins. An example of environmental influence is being a female and raised in a religious or cultural atmosphere that discourages independent behavior and educational opportunities and encourages submissiveness to males. Birth order may have some influence, especially if one was a younger sibling and was waited on a lot while growing up.
The main thing is that you would not be encouraged to be creative, fearless, or make decisions on your own, and you would not get very much support from your family of origin if you did. In fact, you might even get actively shut down when you tried, especially if either of your parents were controlling or domineering.
Making Changes
Sometimes it takes the loss of a major relationship in your life, or an abrupt eye-opening realization about how restricted your life has become, to help you to be aware of your over-dependency on others. You could look at it as an opportunity to learn a different way of being in the world. You might find that under that passive layer is a tiger (tigress) yearning to be free.
Before you burst out and scare everybody (especially yourself), you should work on independent behavior step by step. It doesn't hurt to seek support at this stage, but to borrow from an oft-used metaphor, it's more like you should be asking someone to teach you to fish than asking them to bait your hooks. And when you do catch those first fish, it's about learning to give yourself a pat on the back, and not looking back to see or hear the other person's response.
A good way to immerse yourself into a more independent life is go back to school. You will find that additional education will force you to give your new skills a workout. You'll increase your social circle and critical thinking skills, and your growing knowledge will help you gain confidence. Other things that might be helpful are becoming employed, or changing jobs to something more challenging, doing volunteer work, or taking life-skills courses offered by community centers.
You will also want to: start journaling, practice assertiveness through expressing your opinions and learning to say no when you need to, and self-soothe when you are anxious by using positive self-talk or affirmations.
Seeking Counseling
It can be very helpful to see a therapist to give you some support and help you work out some of your issues and fears about independence. You can expect that they will challenge you a bit, and therapy will likely be on a short-term basis. For more information, contact Albano Fischetti Counseling or a similar organization.
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