Have you recently been through a divorce? Are you feeling the impact of the divorce in ways that you didn't plan for? After my divorce, my kids and I went through several months where they were angry and I felt like a complete failure. It was almost a year before I decided to begin seeing a family therapist to help us get through such a difficult transitional time for the entire family. She was so understanding, compassionate and helpful. She helped us talk through our feelings and provided us with the tools that we needed to get through the most difficult time in our lives.
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One of the most important things that couples therapy can teach struggling couples is how to communicate effectively. This is because once you and your significant other are able to communicate more effectively, you will be able to prevent many conflicts and quickly resolve many of the day-to-day conflicts that may arise throughout your relationship. One of the most effective ways to do this is through the use of "I" statements.
What Are "I" Statements?
"I" statements, also commonly referred to as feelings statements, allow you to communicate your point of view without invoking a defensive reaction from the person you are talking to. By making yourself the subject of these statements, you are able to take ownership of your feelings rather than making others feel as though you blame them or their actions for your current emotions. "I often feel sad after spending several evenings alone", is an example of an "I"statement. In this example, the individual making the statement is able to convey their feelings about spending so much time alone without accusing their significant other of abandoning them or making them feel sad by not spending enough quality time with them.
How Can "I" Statements Be Used To Prevent Conflict?
Feelings statements help to prevent conflict by giving your significant other the chance to really hear your feelings rather than automatically feeling as though they must defend themselves. When phrasing your statements as facts rather than feelings, you are likely to experience a negative reaction, since your significant other may have a different opinion regarding the topic at hand. By choosing to frame your statement as a fact, your significant other is forced into a position where they must prove that their interpretation of the facts is right, while yours is wrong. This is how arguments are started.
When using "I" statements, you eliminate the need to choose between one set of facts or the other. Instead, both you and your significant other are able to express your feelings and try to find common ground that will result in both of you being happier.
How Are "I" Statements Used In Couples Therapy?
Therapists often use this communication technique to help couples move past existing conflicts by allowing them to better understand how they each feel. By providing a safe place for couples to express themselves, this form of therapy often provides the perfect opportunity for individuals to learn how to incorporate "I" statements into their daily communication.
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