Have you recently been through a divorce? Are you feeling the impact of the divorce in ways that you didn't plan for? After my divorce, my kids and I went through several months where they were angry and I felt like a complete failure. It was almost a year before I decided to begin seeing a family therapist to help us get through such a difficult transitional time for the entire family. She was so understanding, compassionate and helpful. She helped us talk through our feelings and provided us with the tools that we needed to get through the most difficult time in our lives.
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Marriage is a constant changing work in progress. Life can throw curves that can cause even the strongest relationship to falter. This is never truer than for couples who are facing a diagnosis of a terminal illness. Serious medical issues change the dynamics of the roles couples play in a relationship and the expectations that they hold for each other. Partners will also travel the stages of grief at different times and in different ways.
It is important to remember to keep communication open and to validate feelings and concerns as they occur.
Becoming a Caregiver and Patient
Dealing with doctors, insurance companies, pharmacies and the reality of a serious illness can be overwhelming on its own. When you add in the switch from spouse and partner to caregiver, it becomes an even more complex situation. It is important to remember that despite your new role you have not lost your role as spouse, you have simply taken on a new responsibility.
For the patient, it may be hard to let go of the role of breadwinner or main provider. Those facing a terminal illness aren't just facing their mortality; they are also facing the impact on their family and their place in their lives.
Taking the time to discuss and understand each partner's feelings and perceptions can help reduce stress, hurt feelings, and miscommunication.
Leaving the Past Behind
One of the hardest things in becoming a caregiver and adjusting to the changes that a terminal illness brings to a relationship is letting go of what once was. Couples, no matter how long they have been together have traditions, routines, and expectations. A terminal illness can change how a couple physically interact, their ability to enjoy favorite activities, and the division of responsibility.
Finding new ways to connect and enjoy each other can help reduce stress and improve communication. This may be something as simple as holding hands, watching a movie together, sharing a nap, or learning a new game or other hobby.
Looking to the Future
The very word terminal gives a new definition to plans and dreams. It will effectively result in one partner moving forward on his or her own. This may be the hardest topic to discuss with each other but the most important. It is important for the partner who is ill to know that their spouse has plans in place and will be able to move forward when the time comes. This may include difficult discussions about finances, insurance, funeral plans and the reality of being alone.
Taking time to create positive experiences and memories can give each spouse something to hold on to.
There is nothing wrong with seeking marriage counseling, such as from Associates For Counseling & Psychotherapy, if you are having issues dealing with the feelings and reality of dealing with a terminal diagnosis and its impact on your relationship. Seeking help is not a sign of weakness. It is simply a way of strengthening your bonds and finding guidance for those things that are tough to face alone.
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